People in their 20's almost universally come to face self-doubt about their life choices and personal timelines at some point - some of us much more frequently than others. It's the flavor of existential crisis that begs the questions: What am I really doing with my life? Is this the best path I could have chosen? What if I had done this or that differently? Stayed in that relationship? Moved to that city?
Am I truly happy?
It's a moment, sometimes an era, that we most often find ourselves in when something does indeed need to change, but perhaps we don't know what that thing is yet. And it's inevitable that eventually, parts of our lives will feel stale - we will outgrow the daily routine we once had or the archetype we once embodied. It's often quite scary to be in that position because, of course, the great unknown of the future is about one of the scariest things we encounter on our own. But beginning to make peace with the fact that change is not only inevitable, but necessary, is the first brave step into that unknown.
I want to talk about this today because in many ways, I'm taking that first step right now. Though I wouldn't classify this moment personally as an existential crisis, rather more of a pause to take stock, there are still those same questions coming up for me. I've known for a while now that with where I am in my work life and relationships, with the kind of work I want to put out into the world, this blog and it's partner podcast need to take a significant back seat. I can feel that I'm nearing the end of this particular chapter and trying not to lose my footing in the process. To avoid falling off a cliff, it's important to know how - and when - to change direction, and where to go from there.
When I say "pivot," I'm talking about decidedly walking a new path in a certain area of life - whatever feels too uncomfortable to stay close to. Maybe you hate your job, even though the money's good. Maybe the people you've been surrounding yourself with party too hard for your taste these days. Maybe you just need a new hobby to fill in the time you currently use to scroll through Reddit. Whatever it may be, whether big or small, it is abundantly healthy to declare a change needs to happen, and make it happen. Easy? Not entirely. But we'll get into that.
First, let's talk about why we indeed can, and should, embrace changing our minds or our plans whenever our intuition calls for it.
It can feel like a risk too large to gamble with. What if you're at a really solid place in life? Regardless, if something feels off, it probably is. Making a change in that sticky place can be the missing piece to building your personal skills or developing into the person you've been wanting to be for so long. By taking a new direction, trying something different, having a fresh perspective, you are positioning yourself in a way that allows necessary change to happen and shows the world that you're ready for it. You take the shape of the newness you seek, and suddenly you are new.
Another intuitive aspect to this moment is recognizing that, even if there is doubt running through your veins as you weigh the pros and cons of staying or moving, a lot of our inner calling stem from subtle, longer-term changes in our values and priorities. Imagine again the situation of feeling a little lost within your current friend group. If you all once valued the rush of going out to the city and haunting the streets until the sun came up, but now you find yourself dislodged from that desire, there is nothing wrong with distancing. There is nothing wrong with their continuing, either. It is simply growth on separate timelines. Everyone has their own speed and process, and that's okay. Honor it, spend time with it, and make your needs clear. If the club still calls to them, let it, and let yourself luxuriate in the quiet weekend at home. And if judgment is cast on you for this decision, let that be a responsibility of your friends and not of yourself. It's not a shortcoming, and it's not selfish. It's a necessary pivot.
Perhaps circumstances have changed. Perhaps external events going on around you have riled up your nervous system enough for you to notice sensations previously ignored or unfelt. There are different thoughts and beliefs blooming in your mind now. Though unsettling at first, these cues are what help us to answer the call for change. It's a process that demands presence, but it can be gentle. It's important to remember here that intuition does not shout - it only nudges. When you feel the subtle pull, let it take you where it wants to go. Trust that this is what's meant to be.
It's a cliché for sure, but it's true: The only constant in life is change. Do we repeat this sentiment so often because we need it as a reminder to be unafraid? I'm not sure. But I do know that while all of the wise words about following that mysterious current and quite literally "going with the flow" are comforting in the moment, it's impossible to ignore the reality that change is terrifying, even if we want it - even if clinging to the old way is actively ruining our lives. How do we actually surrender to it?
I have a poster in my classroom with what might be another cliché, but one I like much better: Be scared and do it anyway.
Fear is part of the gig, just as pain, just as mourning. We have to accept that if we want to grow. We can support our initial overwhelm to the nervous system by taking very small steps toward the larger vision - wherever we want to see ourselves moving. In my own case, I know that I want to focus on more deliberate, in-person community outreach in my time away from the blog and podcast. But to do that, I won't realistically be able to pull off a 50-person ceremonial meetup. Instead, I can foster that goal by volunteering for an afternoon with my friends. In your own situation, find the core of what it is you want to embody and dream up a few reachable ways to do it soon...even today. This is the best way to get your system attuned to the updates you want to bring in.
Personally, I've found that societal pressure and perceived expectations are what inhibit my growth the most. As much as I would like to pretend that I don't care what others think of me, I do. I question whether people want to watch me crash and burn, or if anyone relishes in my personal failings. In a broader perspective, we have a socially acceptable timeline for major life events that is so hard for most of us to not try to adhere to. When we don't reach those milestones of getting engaged, or having a successful business or passion project, or buying a home, or moving to a cool new city at the time we're "supposed to," that in and of itself can feel like a personal failing - even worse, it can feel as though others are praying on our downfall.
Remember that no one thinks about you that much. No one cares about you or your life the way you do. If you ever find yourself plagued by this made-up timeline or the expectations you think others have of you, remember this. No one cares. No one is watching. Carry on as you would, then.
Though I'm not super into the ideals of an individualistic society, I do believe it's still incredibly important to look out for yourself and your own needs. It is not selfish, even when we carry a lens of community-based living, to focus on personal fulfillment over external validations or judgments. Much of this "pivoting" business is highly personal and overwhelmingly reflective. This can come from nowhere and no one else other than your inner voice. Of course, you can lean upon the wisdom of loved ones when you feel called to share it, but most of the brunt work will have to come from you. When and where you need support after the fact, certainly seek it out. Let your feelings be validated. It will make those daunting life changes easier.
What truly matters to you? Who are you, really? And does that person line up with the person you envision being? If these are questions you haven't asked yourself in a while, now might be the time to assess them again and get started on the path that was paved specifically with you in mind.
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